I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
