I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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