if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
