Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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