At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
