i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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