About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
