??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
