and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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