Don't make out with my wife yet
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
