i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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