I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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