and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
