I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
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America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
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I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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