he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
