he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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