you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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