i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
