I cannot find my penis.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize