I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
