i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
