The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
