My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
