i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
