Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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