Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
