this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
