I think i peed on brittanys purse
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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