I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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