I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
