why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
