I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My pussy is not your playground.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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