u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
