why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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