People in love make me want to vomit
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
