I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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