Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
