I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
50% drunk capacity currently
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
A+ Viking dick
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
