If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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