the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
