At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
