I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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