Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
