I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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