I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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