:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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