There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
