The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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