Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
