apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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