What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
