So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
