Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
