is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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