So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
