Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
