I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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