I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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