I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
