wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
