I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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