Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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